Tuesday, November 10, 2009

10 Job Hunting Strategies Guaranteed to Get You Arrested

From Cracked:
The unemployment rate in the U.S. crested 10 percent last week, a milestone which underlines the hurt last year’s economic distress has placed upon the country. Including people who are involuntarily working part time, and those who’ve stopped looking for work entirely, experts say that a whole lot of people are now becoming uneasily familiar with the Drew Carey era on The Price is Right. Grim news indeed.

Signs of desperation amongst job-seekers have been hitting the front pages with increasing regularity. Last week a man made headlines when he attempted to apply for a job while robbing a Taco Bell at gunpoint. One wonders if he thought this was the ideal way to demonstrate he possessed the rock-stupidness all Taco Bell employees are expected to have? He wasn’t even given an application though, just turned aside by a restaurant manager who was apparently in possession of some pretty serious stones. “Beat me with your bare fists, or get the fuck out,” is one hardass hiring policy.

This incident did get me to thinking though. With so many job-seekers applying for so few jobs, there’s bound to be other ways to “think outside the box” like this when applying for jobs. And if not, then surely I could do something about it, using the prestige and influence that comes with being an Internet comedy writer. Frankly, I’d be delinquent if I didn’t use my position to encourage people to rock into Taco Bells without any clothes, “weapon” in hand.

After examining the existing literature, I observed that almost everyone offering advice for interviewees was saying the exact same thing. From this, I posited that as everyone out there is receiving the same advice for job seeking, ignoring that advice entirely would be a sure way for a job-seeker to demonstrate how they were an iconoclastic young firebrand; an asset to any organization. Or get people waving their dicks around Taco Bell. For me there is no difference.

So, I compiled a list of the most common pieces of advice out there, and then using the secret powers of four cups of coffee, I flipped them on their heads to come up with a list of advice sure to land anyone a job, even losers.


Conventional Advice: Research the company beforehand


Most experts recommend reviewing the company’s website before the interview, reading up on the company’s history, and their products, etc… Which is great if you’re writing a book report, or are applying for a job as the office wiener. Every other chump is going to be reading the stupid boilerplate company website, which no one in the company actually cares about.

Unconventional Advice: Research the fuck out of the company beforehand


Instead, try asking around hacker circles on the Internet for advice on how to break into the company’s servers. Look for information on the company’s financial situation, secret recipes and, in the case of Target, their history of ritual slayings tied to the Winter solstices. See if you can find out personal information about your interviewer themselves - knowing what hobbies he has and claiming you have the same is a great way to establish a bond. How strong is his marriage? Consider sleeping with his wife to establish another common bond.

“Well, I’d have to guess reading, jogging and sticking it to your wife. Ha ha ha! High five brother! Seriously though, she’s got some daddy issues, hey?”


Conventional Advice: Look professional


This advice basically boils down to the single sentence: “Dress like you’ve got the job you want, or better.” Which is fine, if you want to look like every other Johnny Bowtie or Sally Pantsuit. You can do better than that.

Turning out your pants pockets for an interview is also a no-no.

Unconventional Advice: Look interesting


You want your outfit to cause your interviewer to think, “Holy shit, I bet this guy has some good stories.” The daily grind of office life can get a bit boring, so having someone in the office who’s really knowledgeable about highway rest-stop culture or your town’s Malay machete fighting scene will add a real air of excitement to the work day. Here’s some ideas for outfits that should give you an idea of the potential here:

  • Naked
  • Sandwich Board warning of doom/incredible savings...MORE