Saturday, August 31, 2019

What Emma Did At The CIA

From Emma Best:
Things Emma Did At CIA
Here’s a list of totally real things from my time working for CIA, which I’ll add to as I “remember” more things. During my time with the Agency, I was the inspiration for 1 out of every 5 new rules and regulations created.
Disclaimer: Any Resemblance to Actual Persons, Living or Dead, is probably unintentional and definitely classified.
  1. I was caught tilting all the pictures in the seventh floor hallway.
  2. I was (accurately) accused of stealing paperclips one at a time.
  3. I was ordered to stop using SF-706 labels to mark my lunch and anyone else’s ham sandwich.
  4. According to a performance review, I was once caught “attempting to spike the coffee with coffee.”
  5. I was once chastised for “having a staring contest with a security camera.”
  6. I was yelled at by the librarians when I started pulling on all the books to see if any opened a secret door.
  7. HR once sat me down and explained that there were “a lot of reasons” I couldn’t BASE jump off HQ.
  8. During the polygraph I was told to stop laughing about the operator being trained in a pseudo-science.
  9. Asked if I associated with unsavory characters, I said “no, they taste fine.”
  10. They said I wasn’t allowed to use the suggestion box anymore because I kept suggesting design changes for the box.
  11. I was told that food fights aren’t acceptable behavior at CIA, “not even on casual Friday.”
  12. I set off the sprinklers because I burned the bag at my desk.
  13. Security repeatedly confiscated my carrier pigeons.
  14. An operations manager once demanded that I “stop suggesting we sink Iranian ships with loose lips.”
  15. I was told that my “eChrips about Party in the CIA being #careergoals” raised some concerns.
  16. I was once described by DIRNSA as “who is this and why are they asking me questions?”
  17. I was ordered to stop putting subliminal messages in the Deputy Director’s voicemails.
  18. They laughed when I tried to combine secret Santa and paintball assassin. They stopped laughing at Xmas.
  19. They suspended my email access after I sent the office my fanfic about how CIA did kill JFK, but it was future CIA and we only did it to preserve the timeline.
    1. They said the writing was cliched, and
    2. They were confused by my comment in the email that “we need to get on this.”
  20. My supervisor wrote me up for starting a betting pool about deceased CIA Directors and who or what they reincarnated as.
  21. NSA wrote me a nasty note when I asked if they could tap HBO’s systems and intercept Game of Thrones before it aired.

Emma did other stuff at the CIA. Follow the link to her site to see what she's thinking about these days.