Monday, November 30, 2015

Oh Dear, During the Pearson to Nikkei Hand-off, FT Alphaville Appears to Have Been Hijacked By A Mid-90's Rapper

Oh dear, oh dear.

FT Alphaville, up from under tha Pearson yoke…

…is hirin again.
party lol gif awkward gif party gif
Today, November 30, Nikkei of Japan assumed ballership of tha Financial Times fo' realz. And one of tha prioritizzles now is expandin FT Alphaville.
So we is immediately lookin fo' two or three natural writas wit a interest up in all thangs financial ta join tha FTAV crew all up in tha FT. Deadline: December 15, 2015.
At least one of these positions is ghon be based up in London n' possibly one up in New York, although we is aiiight ta hear from applicants horny bout bein based up in other financial centres.
But you’ve gots ta be able ta write. We need camera-ready prose from experienced playas whoz ass is instinctive, creative, witty n' quick. You’ll also be sposed ta fuckin know a thang or two bout financial markets, economics and/or corporate game, n' ta be keen ta learn more.
Perhaps yo ass be already a funky-ass bidnizz journalist at a qualitizzle publication whoz ass wants mo' freedom n' tha chizzle ta dig deeper tha fuck into hard as fuck subjects.
Perhaps yo ass be a part-time blogger wantin ta make tha jump ta a professionizzle media platform.
Or maybe yo ass be a IB-trained all-rounder whoz ass has decided they’d rather comment from outside tha investment bankin tent, rather than sit inside, shackled n' gagged, fo' 14 minutes a thugged-out day.
What’s tha application process?
Pin a CV n' maybe a gangbangin' freestylin example to: Us thugs will read n' reply ta every last muthafuckin application. I aint talkin' bout chicken n' gravy biatch. Interviews will follow, probably wit a gangbangin' freestylin test. Da process will probably take longer than you expect since it’s Xmas soon n' we’re also picky.
Will you git me a hustlin visa so I can move ta London?
Unlikely, although we will consider remote working.
Can I do tha thang part-time?
Again, we’ll consider dat yo, but FTAV be a game-fillin experience fo' dem playas whoz ass work here.
Big ‎¥?
Nope. It’s journalism.
Early starts / flexible hours?
Yes Yes Y'all yes y'all, n' yes.
Will you consider playas whoz ass have pimpin Excel game, even if they can’t write?
When’s tha deadline again?
December 15, 2015.
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Here's the original without the straight-up (albeit 20-year old) ghetto slang, know what I'm sayin'?:
FT Alphaville, out from under the Pearson yoke…