Oh..Dear..God.
From VICE:
He goes to Burning Man and microdoses shrooms to increase productivity at work. Say hello to the man who will ruin your chakra
It’s a Wednesday night and you’re at home on the couch half-watching the latest Netflix true crime documentary and idly browsing the dating apps. This time, maybe, you will find Mr. Right. You swipe past 14 men with photos taken from below the chin, whose eyes seem to be trying to communicate they have been taken hostage; two average-looking couples looking for a third; a nondescript man in a beanie you wouldn’t be able to pick out of a police line-up if he murdered you… And then you see him.
Shirtless and toned, somehow tanned even though he lives in Shoreditch, and captured in a perfect chaturanga while showing off a tribal sleeve that ends in an Om symbol and an Apple Watch. A citrine crystal (for financial luck) hangs from a black string around his neck – he’s hoping it will help him manifest a Tesla. Namaste, ladies: It’s the corporate wellness bro.
He used to have a job at Deutsche Bank and a cocaine addiction, but “hit rock bottom” (read: woke up naked and covered in vomit in Amersham after the office Christmas party) and has since ditched the packet and the corporate ladder for kombucha and a job at a start-up with themed conference rooms, a journey he is documenting in painstaking detail on TikTok. There’s no paid mental health leave – or unpaid, for that matter – but they have free Headspace subscriptions and a data-driven snack bar. Plus, he believes that most mental illnesses can be treated with mindfulness and positive thinking.
He can’t help noticing every time the “fat girl” at work – an unforgivable size 10 – goes to the office kitchen, and he doesn’t let the fact that she is usually filling up her water bottle rather than eating any of the colour-coded snacks get in the way of his quietly sanctimonious disgust. He’s given up caffeine himself; at 3PM, he usually cracks open a sugar-free probiotic soda with added electrolytes for an afternoon boost. He doesn’t mind that company policy means that he is expected to be checking his email at all times, choosing instead to see the long hours as a “24/7 opportunity”....
....MUCH MORE
