"A Statement from the University of Pennsylvania Regarding the College Admissions Bribery Scandal"

Home of the Wharton School.
Via McSweeny's:

When we learned that at least 50 people participated in a massive college admissions scam, deploying fraudulent means to get their children into our nation’s elite universities, we were appalled, disgusted, and outraged that not a single one of them was using these deviant tactics to get into the University of Pennsylvania.

It is just despicable that these privileged, wealthy families, who already enjoy every advantage, would be so deceitful and unethical in their efforts to secure a coveted spot at Yale, Stanford, or Georgetown, but not at Penn, which — friendly reminder! — is an Ivy League school. It’s extremely exclusive. Very difficult to get into. Definitely harder than Georgetown and sometimes harder than Stanford; it sort of depends on the year....MORE

Meanwhile, at Sarah Lawrence (tuition and room: $69,000 p,a.):

...On March 11, 2019, the Diaspora Coalition, along with our allied peers, will occupy Westlands, make calls to the board, and present demands that describe not only our ideal vision for the school but also what we see as the only acceptable terms by which Sarah Lawrence can remain for the students and against hate. If the College does not accept these demands, it will no longer be hailed as a progressive institution but instead remembered for its inability to truly embody its self-proclaimed progressive ideology and support all students against an international rising tide of white supremacy and fascism....

Housing Accommodations and Accessibility

1. Sarah Lawrence must commit to actualizing the value that housing is a human right.
   1. The College must provide winter housing to students at no charge. This housing must include a communal kitchen with dry goods from the food pantry available for all students.
   2. In the extreme case that housing cannot be provided to students during break due to housing probation, the school must provide a list of local low-cost, free, and/or accessible housing options for students.
2. The College will designate housing with a minimum capacity for thirty students of color that is not contingent on the students expending any work or labor for the college. This housing option will be permanent and increase in space and size based on interest.
3. All campus laundry rooms are to supply laundry detergent and softener on a consistent basis for all students, faculty and staff.
   Food Security and Accessibility
   1. Sarah Lawrence must commit to actualizing the value that no student go hungry.
      1. The College must commit to devising a food plan where every student has access to, at minimum, two meals a day, including weekends, school breaks, and days when the college is closed due to weather. When dining options are closed on campus, the College must provide free meals for students staying on campus, including vegetarian, gluten-free, vegan, halal, and kosher options.
      2. A commitment that no student goes hungry includes graduate students and students that live off-campus. The College will design meal plans for graduate and off-campus students based on need....

...MUCH MORE

Roger that, softener in the laundry rooms.

So....which one is the parody?