An oldie but goodie via Kottke.org (home of fine hypertext products).
Evolution Going Great, Reports Trilobite
Slowly inching his segmented exoskeleton across the sea floor, a local marine arthropod, class Trilobita, reported that Earth's natural evolution was "progressing quite nicely."Neanderthal Man Flocking To Caves
"Things are looking mighty fine," announced the prehistoric invertebrate, taking measure of his surroundings through a series of small, hexagonal eyelets located at the tip of his thorax. "Sulfurous gas seems to be bubbling up to the surface pretty good, and several single-cell organisms appear to be mutating at a rather steady pace. Also, just today, I developed the ability to roll into a small protective shell in order to avoid predators."
Added the trilobite, "Yup, this evolution thing is going great."
According to the 4-inch-wide arthropod, the entire planet—once nothing more than a large, tedious mass of molten rock—has really taken shape recently....
All over Western Europe and Central Asia, Neanderthal man is inhabiting caves in record numbers. What do you think?
"Cave good. Man happy. Need shelves."Gron, Gatherer
Prominent ethnochoreologists now believe that roughly 20,000 years ago, early humans finally consumed an amount of fermented fruits and vegetables staggering enough to develop the impulsive series of rhythmic movements known today as dancing. "While human beings had experimented with rudimentary forms of shimmying and gyration as early as the Neanderthal period...Deaths Of 550,000 Confirm Which Mushrooms Are Okay To Eat
Following the lethal poisoning of more than a half million people over the course of several millennia, cultures across the globe finally learned how to identify which mushrooms could be safely consumed.Sumerians Look On In Confusion As God Creates World
"Thousands upon thousands of human beings sacrificed themselves to determine which varieties of wild mushroom are delicious and which will paralyze and kill you on the spot," historian Marcus Whiting told reporters....
Members of the earth's earliest known civilization, the Sumerians, looked on in shock and confusion some 6,000 years ago as God, the Lord Almighty, created Heaven and Earth.Four Or Five Guys Pretty Much Carry Whole Renaissance
According to recently excavated clay tablets inscribed with cuneiform script, thousands of Sumerians—the first humans to establish systems of writing, agriculture, and government—were working on their sophisticated irrigation systems when the Father of All Creation reached down from the ether and blew the divine spirit of life into their thriving civilization.
"I do not understand," reads an ancient line of pictographs depicting the sun, the moon, water, and a Sumerian who appears to be scratching his head. "A booming voice is saying, 'Let there be light,' but there is already light. It is saying, 'Let the earth bring forth grass,' but I am already standing on grass."...
Following 1,000 years of cultural decline and societal collapse known as the Dark Ages, the 15th century brought forth the Renaissance, an unprecedented resurgence in learning and the arts, which four or five guys pretty much just strapped onto their backs and carried the whole way.Some Of Man's Most Important Inventions
"Our research indicates that da Vinci, Michelangelo, Shakespeare, and Galileo basically hoisted the entire intellectual transformation of mankind onto their shoulders while everyone else just sat around being superstitious nimrods," said Sue Viero of the Correr Museum of Art in Venice, Italy. "Here's da Vinci busting his ass to paint such masterpieces as The Last Supper and the Mona Lisa, while some loser like Albrecht Dürer is doing these dinky little woodcuts that are basically worthless."...
Inclined Plane: A simple machine consisting of a flat surface whose topmost point is higher than its bottommost point, this is yet another example of mankind's propensity for "inventing" things they just found lying around.
Printing Press: The mass production of printed matter was an instant hit with readers everywhere, who at the time numbered nearly 1,000 and were spread out over some 57.4 million square miles.Internet Archaeologists Find Ruins Of 'Friendster' Civilization
Easy Cheese: A pioneering aerosol-powered food- delivery system that made it possible for people
to discharge high-velocity streams of cheese directly into their mouths, usually from a prone or inverted position [the correct spelling is 'cheez' -ed]....
Researchers conducting the Friendster excavation say the site has been deserted since the year 2005 A.D....videoThe Ones We Lost
- Cro-Magnon Grok, 20, drowned in a river in 24,900 B.C. after a failed attempt to eat his own reflection.
- Ramses II
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