Friday, April 10, 2009

Obama Reaches Out to 'Moderate' Pirate Community (and we plan to make a buck-o, or two)

Some crypto-fascist silliness from Exurban League:
After maintaining his silence for two days, President Obama will soon make his first public statement about the pirate attack upon an U.S.-flagged vessel off the Horn of Africa. After several inquiries and a few well-placed bribes, Exurban League has received an early transcript of the President's remarks:
...Obviously, this incident has raised many concerns among Americans. There have been calls for justice and even violence against the misguided perpetrators. But such an emotional reaction has led to the disparagement of entire groups with which we are unfamiliar. We have seen this throughout history.

For too long, America has been too dismissive of the proud culture and invaluable contributions of the Pirate Community. Whether it is their pioneering work with prosthetics, husbandry of tropical birds or fanciful fashion sense, America owes a deep debt to Pirates....

...To address this issue, I have instructed Vice President Joe Biden to create a cabinet-level Czar of Pirate Outreach and Buccaneer Interrelation. In addition, June 1-7 has been designated as Pirate Awareness Week, during which all federal buildings will fly the Jolly Roger and sponsor sensitivity training. Thankfully, my American Recovery and Reinvestment Act will fund free grog and hard tack for all attendees....
That post apparently drew the ire of the pirate/leftard community as it was promptly followed by:

Resolved: Vikings > Pirates.

Since our moderate Pirate parody was passed around the Net, several left-of-center commentators have politely asked, "well, what the $#%^* would you do, you #%^*in' neocon #%^*-#%^*-er, imperiali$t dumb-$#%^* #%^*ing running-$#%^*-dawg $#%^* $#%^*-$#%^* 4 TEH $#%^*$#%^* AND $#%^* $#%^*? $#%^*!!1"

Frankly, my Pirate solution is simple. Instead of reaching out to negotiate those who wish us nothing but ill, we must reluctantly fight fire with fire. And we should use fire which is hotter and even more flamey.

Artist rendering.
So, who can stand up to the barbarism and savagery of Pirates? Only one group: Vikings.

"But, Jon, what about Ninjas?" Granted, Ninjas use their stealthy, catlike skills brilliantly on land. But like their feline brethren, get them near water and they couldn't fight off a asthmatic girl scout.

Vikings ruled the seas far longer than did the lowly Pirates. These fearsome Norsemen marauded, pillaged and terrorized waters from Byzantium to Vinland centuries before the first disaffected Limey compensated for his stubby leg with a flamboyant parrot.

President Obama should immediately built a small fleet of wooden longboats capable of sustained littoral operations. Supply routes are unnecessary since the Vikings simply raid unprotected coastal areas for supplies. And, powered by wind and oar, this truly green-water fleet should easily pass muster with the EPA and most environmental NGOs....MORE
Now that I've alienated just about everyone [at least among the crypto-fascist and pirate/leftard communities -ed], let's figure out how to make some money from the situation.
From Jutia Group:

Ocean Piracy: Fill Your Trading Account With Booty From the Pirate Portfolio

While it may not seem like a lucrative business, the uptick in high seas shenanagins over the past year or so threatens to become more prevalent if it’s not addressed. And with millions of dollars worth of cargo traveling by sea every day, both the shipping industry and the companies whose cargo they’re hauling hardly want to see the trend become a full-blown epidemic.

At the moment, however, only the Department of Defense and various small private companies are responsible for “mobility denial systems.” Described as an “oil slick in a can,” these weapons make it difficult for bandits to board (and remain on) a ship.

But there are a few major, publicly traded American companies that are combating this problem amid their other defense issues...

...Take That, Jack Sparrow

First up, one of the world’s largest defense companies, Lockheed Martin (NYSE: LMT (73.32 ↑0.85%)). The firm has partnered with BAE Systems PLC (BAESY 19.67 ↓2.04%). (Pink Sheets: BAESY) and Israeli weapons systems developer Rafael Armament Development Authority to develop “The Protector.”

While it sounds like the hero of a 1980s action movie, The Protector Anti-Piracy Robot is an unmanned robot with a mounted 7.62mm machine gun. Originally designed to protect harbors, The Protector is capable of defending ships from attackers, while keeping the crew out of harm’s way.

A more widely used form of anti-pirate defense is Long Range Acoustic Device (LRAD) systems, designed by American Technology (ATCO 1.18 ↓0.83%) Corporation (Nasdaq: ATCO).

Equipped with high-powered speaker systems, these devices can be used to issue ear-splitting beams of sound directly at the bandits, or provide verbal warnings (no word, though, as to whether, “Back, ye scurvy dogs!” is on the list of available commands).

Despite the fact that these systems are more common, keep in mind that ATCO is a tiny stock and can be illiquid.

Here are three other ways to play the piracy protection trend…

Three Ways To Play High Seas Banditry

The Defense Angle: You can’t dip into many sectors or industries these days without finding the presence of General Electric (NYSE: GE (11.33 ↑6.48%)).

The company’s defense subsidiary, GE Security, offers various communications systems that are used to enhance ocean security.

The Insurance Angle: In addition to direct defense sector plays, there are also several insurers and reinsurers, which have an important maritime business and could face exposure if a ship is lost at sea. These include CNA (10.81 ↑9.19%) Financial Corp. (NYSE: CNA), Marsh & McLennan Companies (MMC 20.42 ↑2.46%) (NYSE: MMC) and Willis Group Holdings (WSH 22.88 ↑2.60%) (NYSE: WSH)....MORE