From Dow Jones:
A sharp increase in volatility last year made it difficult for hedge funds that trade market movements to make money.*This, of course, was The Onion's finest moment:
Hijackers Surprised To Find Selves In Hell
God Angrily Clarifies 'Don't Kill' Rule
..."Look, I don't know, maybe I haven't made myself completely clear, so for the record, here it is again," said the Lord, His divine face betraying visible emotion during a press conference near the site of the fallen Twin Towers. "Somehow, people keep coming up with the idea that I want them to kill their neighbor. Well, I don't. And to be honest, I'm really getting sick and tired of it...."