In late 2018, Kelsey Baker found the courage to do something she never thought possible: escape from her emotionally abusive relationship. Afterwards, the full-time college student and single mom did something equally as courageous. She shared her story with the world.....*****.... Abusers: Goals & StrategiesWhat if I were to tell you that emotional abuse is not only widespread, but has become so ubiquitous, that virtually everyone in the United States is currently experiencing it in some form or another? Some of us are victims, and some of us are perpetrators. Many have unwittingly become both. To support such an outlandish assertion, let’s first look at the profile of an abuser.
First and foremost, abusers are wholly concerned with power. As such, abusers typically possess a number of character traits that fuel this obsession, including:
-insecurity
-hypersensitivity
-the need to always be “right” or feel “in control.”
-unrealistic expectations
-jealousy
-other pathologies, such as undiagnosed mental disorders
Abusers can have a history of being abused themselves, or simply have deep-seeded maladaptive behavioral patterns and cognitive distortions. Whatever the emotions or perceptions that fuel the abuse, the manifest behavior almost always points to the same goal: power and control. In pursuit of this goal (which may never even manifest itself as a consciously-stated realization), abusers employ a number of strategies in pursuit of power over their relationships. These strategies of control can be broadly categorized as methods that “discredit, isolate, and silence” their victims. Here are some examples of the strategies abusers employ, though these are not linear or exhaustive in manifestation. Abusers can begin their quest for control with any or all of these tactics, often with significant overlap.
Constant Criticism
Those who can do no right tend to remain silent
Abusers will shame, insult, critique, and second-guess everything about the victim, their life, and their choices. No amount of effort by the victim will serve to placate the abuser. As Kelsey said in her Facebook post: “Maybe you did everything right but he still wants to victimize himself just so he doesn’t have to put in effort to right his wrongs.” Attempts to engage with these criticisms as constructive and in good-faith only serve to fuel the abuser’s power. The victim has now bought into the legitimacy of the abuser’s claims.
Isolation
Those cut off from outside perspectives become trapped in abuse
Commanding and questioning the victim’s loyalty is a large part of an abuser’s success in long-term relationships. As the victim is confronted with a steady stream of personal attacks and criticisms, the abuser uses accusations of infidelity to prevent the victim from seeking outside information or input. All relationships are called into question, and are used to accuse the victim of disloyalty. To disprove these accusations, victims increasingly isolate themselves. Ultimately, this leaves only the abuser as the victim’s primary source of input into their life, and more importantly, their perception of reality.
Distort Reality
Those in a constant state of confusion hold a discredited perspective of reality
Abusers are often able to reinforce and maintain control by becoming the very lens with which victims understand reality. Abusers do this by strategically gaslighting the victim, causing them to perpetually doubt their understanding of reality. Gaslighting often begins subtly, with expressions of disbelief or confusion about the victim’s choices or perspectives. Assuming the abuser’s sincerity, the victim attempts to explain the situation or perspective, only to be met with defensive postures and accusations of over-sensitivity. This is fundamentally destabilizing for the victim, causing them to grow increasingly suspicious of their own ability to discern between right and wrong, friend or foe, and true from false....
There is much more but for now I just wanted to get this bit on the psychopathy of abusers out there.
If you substitute the phrase 'gaslighters' with the phrase "lying assholes" you get closer to the reality of what they do, how they treat other human beings as objects to be manipulated, how they experience and exhibit zero respect for their victim's basic humanity.
The lying assholes are nasty, nasty people.
They are dangerous to individuals who cross their path and to society at large.
From the National Domestic Violence Hotline:
