Thursday, June 27, 2019

"Google to Donate Its Search Engine to the American Public" (GOOG)

From the Huffington Post:

Gift, valued by donor at over $1 trillion, is said to be the largest ever
MOUNTAIN VIEW, CA - In a stunning announcement, Eric Schmidt, head of Alphabet, Inc., the holding company that owns Google, said today in a press conference at Google’s headquarters in Mountain View, California, that at midnight on New Year’s Eve of this year, the iconic Google search engine will become property of a new nonprofit organization called Unlimited Years of Search, or UYS. 
“We consider this to be a well-earned gift to the American public,” said Schmidt. “We don’t own the internet, after all, and our search engine is just an index to what’s out there - just a kind of library catalogue. That catalogue should be owned by the public, not a private company. It’s pretty obvious when you think about it.”

In a joint statement issued by Stephanie Hannon, former Google executive and Chief Technology Officer for Hillary Clinton, and Megan Smith, former Google executive and Chief Technology Officer for Barack Obama, Schmidt’s announcement drew strong praise.
“Google has always given away everything for free without asking for anything in return except of course a trivial amount of information about its users (LOL),” wrote Hannon and Smith. “Now it’s making the ultimate contribution to society. It’s breathtaking and overwhelming and it really makes us want to cry, both together, like at the same time.”
Valued by the donor at $1.15 trillion, Schmidt said this is the largest charitable gift ever given by any corporation or individual anywhere in the world. Other large charitable gifts by Microsoft founder Bill Gates or Saudi Arabia’s Prince Al-Waheed bin Talal are in the mere tens of billions of dollars and pale in comparison to Google’s.
Asked specifically about Mr. Gates’ $10 billion gift to provide vaccines for people in Africa, Schmidt said, “Gates is an ass who doesn’t know how to dress, and everyone knows it.”
Schmidt was surprisingly forthright about Google’s motives for making the unprecedented donation.
“We actually got the idea from Donald Trump,” Schmidt said. “Trump might be a crude, witless, self-absorbed, hair-challenged horndog, but he’s not an idiot. That billion dollar loss he declared 25 years ago got him off the hook from paying federal taxes for 18 years. We figure our trillion dollar gift will spare us taxes for about a century.”

Asked how the new charity is supposed to get the money to maintain and grow the search engine’s massive index of 60 billion web pages, Schmidt introduced Amy Singhal, current head of Google search and future head of the new nonprofit.
According to Singhal, “We were worried about this at first, but then we contacted our friends at the NSA and the CIA, and they were just great. They helped fund the development of the Google search engine when its creators, Larry Page and Sergey Brin, peace be upon them, were graduate students at Stanford. The agencies were looking for a tool that could track what everyone was looking for on the internet, hoping they could catch people looking for directions on how to build bombs and all that. Our search engine has worked really well for them over the years, so I’m happy to announce that the NSA and the CIA have agreed to provide all of UYS’s operating costs - about $10 billion a year - for at least the next ten years.”...

Something about the "...well-earned gift to the American public" doesn't quite ring true, this may be fāke news. Or more probably something akin to other famous gifts: