Beginning in ca. 2007 the music industry came face to face with a threat that appeared to mark the end of what had been an extremely profitable business.
The threat was not piracy or internet disruption. Rather the issue that had all involved, from creatives to A&R guys to execs prophesying the end times was: "All the good band names are taken."
Everyone, from Recording Studio Forum:"are all the good band names taken?" to the Wall Street Journal: "From ABBA to ZZ Top, All the Good Band Names Are Taken"; from the Guardian "Are all the best band names already taken?" to Gawker "All the Band Names Are Taken" carried the news of the crisis in creativity as it ricocheted around the world, with one of the earliest observers to weigh in being America's Finest News Source:
Report: Only 7 Band Names RemainingWell to yours truly this meant only one thing: Opportunity, with a capital O.
NEW YORK—According to data released Monday by the International Registry of Rock Band Names, only seven of the estimated 518 million potential names for musical acts remain available. "Following the selection of 'The Stripped Amygdaloids,' 'A Purple Spray Of Cloth Violets,' and 'Guestowel' this past weekend, it is essential that new bands pick a name as soon as possible," read a statement on the organization's website....
It wasn't just me though. In a 2007 story about aluminum production in Iceland the WSJ's markets editor wrote "Alcoa is currently operating the Fjardaal smelter at Reydarfjordur (great band name: Fjardaal Smelter — ed.)" and I knew we had competition to get registering and copyrighting.
Having missed the dotcom domain name gold rush of a few years earlier - ya snooze, ya lose - time was of the essence. You could almost "smell the money" (taken by a hip-hop group in San Diego)
And then the computer script kiddies started writing short little programs for online Band Name Generators and it turned out there were more than 518 million potential names and the price of a name plummeted. And there went the dream of being the band name king.
From time to time I think back to those days and what might have been, maybe write a post and add some gratuitous umlauts here and there: "Automation Steals Jobs: Röböts Playing Motörhead" or "Tap's David St. Hubbins: 'Ït's lïke ä päir öf ëyes. Yöu're löoking ät thë umläut, änd ït's löoking ät yoü.'"
So when I saw the North Korean Foreign Minister responding to the Rocket Man taunt, via UN.org:
...“Due to his lacking basic common knowledge and proper sentiment, he tried to insult the supreme dignity of my country by referring it to a rocket. By doing so, however, he committed an irreversible mistake of making our rockets' visit to the entire US mainland inevitable all the more,” he said.My ears perked up, like an old dog hearing the car keys, "Saaay, 'Nuclear Hammer of Justice'!" and I checked a couple sources,* aaand crap.
Mr. Ri said the very reason the DPRK has to possess nuclear weapons is because US hostility and nuclear threats have continued for over 70 years. “The possession of nuclear deterrence by the DPRK is a righteous self-defensive measure taken as an ultimate option,” he added.
“Unless true international justice is realized, the only valid philosophical principle is that force must be dealt with force and nuclear weapons of tyranny must be dealt with the nuclear hammer of justice.”...
Here's Finland's NUCLEAR OMNICIDE - Hammer of Justice:
And. like the old dog realizing those weren't car keys but keys to the room where they keep the $400 cat furniture climbing thing, I just lay down and think of chasing the cat.
The chance will never come again. In fact, as if governed by Hubble's Law, the opportunity seems to be receding faster and faster,
Now Lewis and Quark are bragging "The neural network will name your next band".
But hang on a second! South Korea's Yonhap News Agency is reporting "N. Korean FM threatens 'merciless preventive action' against U.S."
"Merciless Preventive Action"? - that could work...
*Encyclopedia Metallum tells us about the NYC band "Hammer of Justice":
- Melodic Death Metal
- Lyrical themes:
- Darkness, Vampires, Death
- Last label:
Probably would have gone further as Fjardaal…
It really is a Nordic thing, see "Today In Umlauts: Metal Bands Per Capita--UPDATED", if interested.