Irish Taoiseach (Prime Minister) Bertie 'Bundles' Ahern [pictured] has been having a rough week. He's had his arse dragged into the Mahon Tribunal to explain himself over a series of increasingly Haughey-like stories about financial transactions which the tribunal is rather interested in and which, it would seem, Bertie Ahern maintains are none of our feckin' business.
Northern Rock, American Cock
Turning to more serious matters, London funeral directors are preparing themselves for a windfall from the anticipated mass-suicide of Northern Rock executives in the next few days. According to our sources, the suits at the top have rushed to explain that the sudden and seemingly inexplicable collapse of the bank's stock was due to a 14-hour bender at hip-hop megastar Puff Daddy's London apartment.
Puff Daddy (a.k.a P. Diddy, Sean 'Puffy' Combs, That Bloke That's Never Written An Original Tune In His Life) is alleged to have thrown the 'mutha' of all parties, according to a pilled-up London city type who we found in a Whitechapel gutter this morning. Northern Rock executives are reported to have partied 'like it was 1999' and 'let fucking rip' for up to 14 hours at Diddy's Canary Wharf Crib and emerged blinking into the mid-week sunlight a motley band of emotional, physical and financial wrecks.
From the kerb that spat them into the mid-morning traffic the gang then staggered into a boardroom meeting in such a state of disarray that it panicked all stockholders into immediately dumping their portfolios; thus sparking a week-long high-street cash-extracting panic....From Blather's Shitegeist
And from thes Poof:The Northern Rock, the bank set up by a bunch of people from Newcastle eight years ago, has announced that it is going bust, in an off-the-wall publicity stunt.
The crazy Geordie bank has far too many customers who are not from the Northeast, according to one senior executive, and the problem has had to be addressed.
Shares in the bank immediately plummeted, and the Bank of England stepped in to do something or other, but nobody knows what. Investors are expected to lose millions of pounds, and several tonnes of coal.
Chancellor of the Exchequer Alistair, Darling said:
"Northern Rock is a bank primarily for those gritty Geordie types who don't wear a shirt at the football. They are saying that far too many 'Southern softies' have invested with them, and they are keen to offload those people."
Northern Rock chief executive Gritty Geordie said:
"Why aye, man. Oor bank's fer us lads, Pet, don't ye know?"