Similar to cocaine being God's way of saying you have too much money, we take the nouveau pretensions of the H2O crowd to have deeper meaning.
Didn't your mother ever point out that Evian is just naive spelled backwards? And that's Evian, much less this:
"Iskilde from Denmark is a great water for a vegetarian mushroom dish because it has earthy taste notes. Beverly Hills 90H20 is the perfect pairing for a seasonal salad because it will cut through the acidity of a vinaigrette dressing and help balance out the flavors."
tripe.
I blame the Fed's response to the zero lower bound problem.
Inside the Very Real (and Very Complicated) World of Luxury Water Collectors
From Bon Appétit, March 27:
Water sommeliers taste and collect expensive bottled water as if they’re fine wines. What does it mean to elevate water to this level of luxury?
My boyfriend has a lot of opinions about the water we drink. It wasn’t always this way. Once he, like me, was a free spirit who hardly noticed if the bottle we picked up was Perrier or Saratoga. But everything changed when he returned to the US after spending three months living in Berlin. There, he told me, his eyes lighting up, they had entire stores dedicated to different types of sparkling and still water—rows and rows of different brands, all offering specific levels of carbonation or mineral content. Now his water choice is deliberate: He reaches for the ridged bottle of Gerolsteiner for its tiny bubbles that prick that back of your throat, if it’s available. Otherwise he goes for the iconic green S.Pellegrino, though its big, sloppy bubbles mean it’s less than ideal.
As it turns out, he’s not alone in taking his water seriously. The water sommelier movement—yes, that’s the term—has been growing in the US and around the world for years now. In fact, some argue that the seltzer boom has opened a door for a mineral water renaissance. These water sommeliers taste bottled waters as if they’re fine wines, expounding upon the waters terroir and “virginality,” or a water’s level of protection from its surroundings. They help to design bespoke water menus for restaurants; they judge contests in which bottled waters compete on taste, texture, and mouthfeel; and they collect bottles of tasteless water from icebergs that cost as much as $300 (more on that later). Some of them have even led Zac Efron and Anna Kendrick through a lengthy water-tasting class. Swishing, swirling, and slurping are par for the course in the fine water universe. It all sounded, quite frankly, ridiculous to me. Which meant, of course, that I had to learn every single thing about it.
Fine water, as I quickly learned it’s called, is an industry that spans the globe. Sparkling, seltzer, and mineral water sales reached $3.5 billion in sales between 2019 and 2020 in the US alone. Water sommeliers are trained in programs around the world—from the Associazione Degustatori Acque Minerali in Italy to the Doemens Academy in Germany to Japan’s Aqua Sommelier Association. In the US the Fine Water Academy has seen a steady increase in attendance of approximately 10% to 12% per year since its founding in 2018, with a notable spike in 2020. Currently, the self-directed course that lasts about two months has 50 students in attendance. Program websites describe rigorous training, the curricula detailing hours of water tastings, final exams, and, in the case of the Doemens, many, many “hydration breaks”—short recesses to sip on your favorite water.
I remained skeptical. Water, to me, tastes like water. The only texture I can describe it having is “wet.” How could someone justify spending hundreds on bottled water when entire communities, like those in East Palestine and Philadelphia, are affected by contaminated water supplies? What could compel someone to spend weeks at the Doemens Academy in suburban Germany sipping on different waters?....
....MUCH MORE
We've been down this muddy road before:
2013: Climateer Line of the Day: H2Oh Give Me a Break Edition
2017: Premium Water: Evian Is Just Naive Spelled Backwards
And the whole artisinal thing:
Yes, ma'am, the Satan's Saliva small barrel Special Reserve sauce is made from Scotch Bonnet peppers grown exclusively on a tiny island off the coast of Antigua, a larger island.
The peppers are picked at the peak of their short lives to ensure the characteristic citrus and battery acid top notes contrast with the charred peat and road tar bottom to create a complex tease, flamboyant enough to be called the scamp of thevineyardpepper pot but finishing as cigar box and C4.
In case of overdose the usual cold milk treatment is insufficient and one should go deeper into the butterfat realm, whipping cream at minimum, preferably a hunk of cream cheese to gnaw on as you search for the nearest burn unit.
Perfect when paired with artisanal small batch lard or any of the kicky tallows now making the scene.
Now back to work.
"Ye Olde Artisanal Stock Pickery & Son" (or "Equity investing as a luxury good")
Testing Small-batch Artisanal Portfolio Construction With Cliff Asness and Grantham, Mayo's James Montier
"The Economics of Artisanal Chocolate" (Here at Zero-bound Chocolates, We Believe...)
Small Batch Artisanal High Fructose Corn Syrup
Or does this type of mockery make me the snob?
Entering that wilderness of mirrors is the slow road to snooty madness so I'll just answer 'no'.
