Premium Water: Evian Is Just Naive Spelled Backwards

David Keohane has turned the gimlet-eye on H2O.

From FT Alphaville:

My water is better than your water

Rime of the Modern Water Marketeer

Water, water, everywhere… and we’re really trying to create a premium sector.

And that effort has been accelerating from an already advanced stage:

Well we have some qualified bad news folks. Or at least Bernstein does. They’ve done a taste test with 30 or so people who ranked their ability to discern differences in water before taking that first sip – “~61% of respondents gave some indication of being able to do so.”

The results were… mixed:

Turning to the results, while Smartwater (manufactured by CocaCola) was able to deliver on tasting “premium” and ranked as the most preferred beverage among the set of samples, Evian (manufactured by Danone) and Fiji (manufactured by Roll Global, and distributed by Dr Pepper Snapple, among others) on the other hand disappointed on both metrics. Most interestingly, mid-tier Dasani (manufactured by Coca-Cola) was the second best performing beverage in the taste test, followed by value brand Poland Spring and then Bernstein’s finest filtered NYC tap water (Exhibits 13-14)!...

...MORE

Previously on "God is saying you have too much money":
I'm in the Wrong Business Part 625: "$20 for a bottle of water? Your water sommelier will bring the menu right away"
Talking to New York’s First, and Only, Mustard Sommelier
Climateer Line of the Day: H2Oh Give Me a Break Edition

"Iskilde from Denmark is a great water for a vegetarian mushroom dish because it has earthy taste notes. Beverly Hills 90H20 is the perfect pairing for a seasonal salad because it will cut through the acidity of a vinaigrette dressing and help balance out the flavors."

Trifecta, We Have a Hot Sauce Sommelier To Go Along With The Mustard Sommelier and the Water Sommelier

Yes, ma'am, the Satan's Saliva small barrel Special Reserve sauce is made from Scotch Bonnet peppers grown exclusively on a tiny island off the coast of Antigua, a larger island.

The peppers are picked at the peak of their short lives to ensure the characteristic citrus and battery acid top notes contrast with the charred peat and road tar bottom to create a complex tease, flamboyant enough to be called the scamp of the vineyard pepper pot but finishing as cigar box and C4.

In case of overdose the usual cold milk treatment is insufficient and one should go deeper into the butterfat realm, whipping cream at minimum, preferably a hunk of cream cheese to gnaw on as you search for the nearest burn unit.

Perfect when paired with artisanal small batch lard or any of the kicky tallows now making the scene. 

Now back to work.
"Ye Olde Artisanal Stock Pickery & Son" (or "Equity investing as a luxury good")  
Testing Small-batch Artisanal Portfolio Construction With Cliff Asness and Grantham, Mayo's James Montier
"The Economics of Artisanal Chocolate" (Here at Zero-bound Chocolates, We Believe...)
Small Batch Artisanal High Fructose Corn Syrup

Or does this type of mockery make me the snob?
Entering that wilderness of mirrors is the slow road to snooty madness so I'll just answer 'no'.