From the Portland Business Journal:
...SOPRANO CARBON OFFSET CREDITS INC.
(NASDAQ: SCOCI), headquartered in Corleone, Sicily.
After United Nations scientists at the Academy Awards, Cannes Film Festival and Wimbledon documented that breathing is an unnatural environmental hazard that provides the final undeniable link between human activity and global warming, SCOCI introduced carbon offset credits for people who feel guilty about breathing. SCOCI's product line of "hits" fits every budget.
- $250 - Anyone in China. China's low-cost breath hits are a major export item. Purchasers breathe easily knowing each breath they take is offset by fewer breaths in China.
- $500 - Brazilian peasants. There's a bonus. After the hit, they don't destroy the Amazon Rain Forest.
- $1,000 - Joggers and fat people. They cost more, because both take deep breaths.
- $5,000 - SUV owners. The group environmentalists love to hate is becoming an endangered species.
- $10,000 - Prius owners. Popular among SUV owning customers. SCOCI provides commemorative videos showing big SUVs running little Priuses off the road.
- $1,000,000 - Hollywood celebrities with huge carbon footprints.
SCOCI's founder, Tony S, explained his company's success, "We give consumers what they want - a nice clean hit for a great cause. It feels good knowing your breathing isn't destroying the environment.
"Eliminating guilt was a natural fit for us. Everyone in our organization has pled "not guilty" to something....MORE