It was only a few years ago that Bond books were getting bowdlerized. And then Roald Dahl and Charlie and the Chocolate Factory received the treatment and it was so bad that I refrained from pointing out that Mr. Dahl wrote the screenplay for You Only Live Twice for fear his mortal remains would be exhumed and subjected to some ritual reserved for only the worst of the worst transgressors of woke.
From The Register, February 21:
License To Kill -9 ... For Your iPhone Only ... AI Another Day ... The name's Bezos, Jeff Bezos
As part of its quest for world domination, Amazon has bought the creative rights to fictional British spy James Bond.
Across more than 60 years, seven actors have portrayed Ian Fleming's iconic character in 27 films, all but two of which were produced by Eon Productions whose principals on Thursday announced their decision to sell the franchise and move onto other projects.
That leaves the internet goliath, which already holds the distribution rights to Bond films following its acquisition of MGM in 2021, with the power to determine Bond’s next adventures.
We’ve no idea what Amazon MGM Studios plans for Bond, but as ever, The Register has a few ideas for future flicks with themes we think Jeff Bezos's empire will like.
Idea 1. You're Only Billed Twice
A megalomaniac multi-billionaire plans to release a toxic airborne agent that can only be neutralized with medicine sold exclusively at exorbitant prices on his online store.
British intelligence learns of the plot when the tycoon's wife leaves him and smuggles out a sample of the toxin.
Bond infiltrates the manufacturing facility where the super-villain is brewing his scheme, only to be knocked out after becoming distracted by a giant screen beaming a hypnotic advert for a massive online sale.
When he wakes, Bond is strapped to a table with a laser bearing down on him to cut him in half right down the middle. Is he expected to talk? No, he's expected to die speed-reading the terms and conditions of his arch-enemy's cloud service. Thankfully Q has equipped him with augmented-reality contact lenses that allow him to literally and metaphorically find an escape clause just in time.
An easy escape clause in a cloud contract? We did say this was fiction.
Bond then shuts down the server cluster powering the villainous poison scheme the audience has already forgotten about. The billionaire attempts to escape in a helicopter he bought on his own website from a knock-off vendor called “HLICOPTRE”. The machine crashes, creating a fireball that engulfs the toxin factory, ending the threat to humanity and taking the bad guy offline for good.
Bond and the billionaire's wife escape, and the film ends with obligatory nookie.
Idea 2. The Code Is Not Enough
A megalomaniac billionaire convinces the world he has pivoted to a life of philanthropy, with his flagship project: An AI he touts as humanity’s savior, but which will actually enslave humanity.
A glamorous female open-source developer finds credentials for the project’s software in an unsecured cloud storage bucket, uses them to log into the billionaire’s GitHub repo, and effectively executes a supply chain attack that means the enslavement function will never work....
....MUCH MORE
