From Modern Drunkard:
Two decades ago, this magazine squinted into the hazy horizon and coughed up a slew of wild predictions about the future of drinking.
So, how’d we do? Not great. But before we tally up the scorecard, let’s establish what’s a hit or a miss. For a hit, the predicted invention need not just exist (most of them do in one form or another), it must have gotten real traction with drinkers. Furthermore, we’re throwing out all the unserious let’s-have-a-larf predictions because no one expected those to come true.
Let’s dive in.
Instant Alcohol MISS
For a brief shining moment, it seemed powdered alcohol had arrived. Remember Palcohol? Remember when every nanny-state politician in the U.S. shrieked in chorus when they discovered the Alcohol and Tobacco Tax and Trade Bureau (TTB) had approved it for sale? The cowardly TTB rescinded its approval in 2015, but not before 31 hysterical states had preemptively banned it from the shelves. (It should be noted that Cenk Uygur of The Young Turks Show and other commentators claimed Big Alcohol, eager to quash a potential rival, was behind all the hubbub.)
Almost every breathless argument made against Palcohol was specious and based entirely on conjecture and fantasy. And here’s what’s ironic: those nannies were attacking an illusion. They thought Palcohol was what I’d predicted and hoped for—a chemical reaction between water and an active chemical powder that resulted in high-proof alcohol. Instead, it was simply grain alcohol poured into a carrier powder (probably tapioca maltodextrin). That was it. When you added water the powder dissolved, leaving you with a low-proof mixture of starch, water and whatever flavor they added to hide the awful, goopy taste. It was one of those instances when a scam was shut down not because of what it really was, but what it pretended to be. Imagine if back in the 1960s the government swooped in and banned those novelty X-ray glasses sold in comic books, not because they were an obvious sham but because they were terrified children would get brain cancer from all those unregulated $1 X-ray machines they were strapping to their faces.
Will the day come when real powdered alcohol arrives? Probably, but not in the immediate future. Barring some radical breakthrough, molecular chemists estimate we’ll have to wait at least 10 to 15 years.
The Cocktail Hat MISS
Though the patent for this innovation was filed in 1987, the Cocktail Hat never entered production. Why? The same reason you rarely glimpse the forerunning Beer Hat—who wants ten pounds of obtrusive weight strapped to their heads? It’s uncomfortable, not to mention peacocky. When you see someone wearing a Beer Hat, you don’t immediately think, “This gent resides in the future!” Instead, you see an extrovert groveling for attention. And don’t we already have a surplus of those types on social media?
Blackout Recorder
Drunkard Retrieval Service
The Translurlator
The Booze Buddy MISSESThese all exist, in one form or another, in app stores. In the same way those early word-processing machines were made redundant and ridiculous by laptop computers, these single-purpose niche predictions were swallowed up by the whale of smartphones. What’s the point of carrying around a half-dozen gadgets when all their duties can be performed by a single device (whether a phone, wristwatch or glasses) with apps?....
....MUCH MORE
From our intro to 2013's "Can Powdered Water Cure Droughts?":
...Some years ago I was approached by a company seeking financing for their powdered vodka.
When I was done laughing I had some research done on the principals and decided against doing anything with them.
As it turned out the SEC eventually shut down another of their enterprises, thus besmirching the otherwise pristine reputation of the Boca Raton investment community.
The powdered booze however turned out to be real, albeit with a patent owned by General Foods rather than the scamsters.
Who knew?If interested see also 2015's:
"Everything You Want to Know About Palcohol, the Powdered Alcohol Approved by Feds"
